It is too difficult to be an optimist and you have given up. Now you want to embrace the darkness of misery because it is SO EASY.
Here are some tips on how to take the easy way out! Down with happiness! You may never want to be optimistic again after reading this because optimism takes patience and perseverance. Everything written here is super simple and quick – honestly, these tips may even take minutes! In this fast-paced world, why go for something that takes time, even if it is better for you in the long-run?
Be efficient, guys! Be quick!
Why be happy in a timely manner when you can be miserable really quickly?
1. Blame people and circumstances for your failures.
That last exam you took? You failed it!
What you thought: I must have flunked it because I stayed up the night before watching 13 Reasons Why.
Now think: The teacher flunked me because he has a grudge against me!
You’re getting scolded by your parents for coming home late after a night-out with some friends.
What you thought: I really shouldn’t have stayed out so late. My parents really love me and are concerned about me. I shouldn’t give them any more stress than they have to bear.
Now think: My parents are so strict. Maybe this is why I need so much time away from them so I can chill.
Your spouse/partner is angry at you. S/He claims you are married to the job, not to him/her.
What you thought: My spouse/partner loves me a lot and has supported me through the worst and the best. I should come home earlier from work to spend more time with him/her.
Now think: S/He’s just jealous LOL!
And so on.
See how little you have to think when you want to blame other people? This makes it so easy.
Added Bonus: Your ego gets inflated!
2. Think about everything you don’t have.
Forget about the food on your table, the clothes on your body, and the roof over your head. Forget about your health and general well-being. Forget the friends and family and well-wishers.
To keep these in mind would mean you have to be thankful! Who has time for that?
Instead, think about the branded clothes you DON’T have. Think about the sports car you DON’T have. Think about the exotic vacations you DON’T take.
Oh yes, let that misery sink in.
Because no matter what you have now, there will always be somebody else who has a better car, a better house and better clothes. Of course, there will also be people with better hearts, better characters, and better human qualities. But focus please: the goal here is to be miserable.
Added Bonus: You start attracting less goodness into your life. Hence, more misery is created! Objective achieved!
3. Believe that no problem is bigger than your problem.
INTEGRATE these into your beliefs:
Your three-day flu is far worse than your relative’s chronic cancer. The transit to work/school is a lot more burdensome than those who have to traverse on donkey-carts. You have gone through so much pain and struggle, nobody would every understand. You’re the bravest, most courageous sole survivor out there: how can anyone compare to the mountains you have scaled? My goodness, take some time out, you warrior! You’re all-powerful and amazing! It’s all about you. You, you, you.
Added Bonus: Your ego knows no bounds. Focusing on yourself without much regard to others around you is sure to put you into misery AND mild to severe depression. Talk about killing two birds with one stone.
4. Smile less.
Wearing a look of perpetual annoyance is GUARANTEED to make you feel worse.
Also try: an angry look, a I-just-ate-a-whole-lemon look, a I-hate-people-because-everyone-is-bad-and-only-I-am-good look, etc.
5. Be as sanctimonious as you can.
Adopt a holier-than-thou attitude. It is where you believe yourself to be morally superior to others around you. People around you are snakes who are waiting for your back to be turned so they can sink those poisonous fangs into your precious skin. You are the purest being to have walked the earth. You are devoid of any fault and all those around you are mean, evil people who spend their time plotting against you. Everyone is jealous of you, which is why they act they way they do.
How is this going to make you miserable?
For starters, you’ll start becoming more paranoid about the intentions of people around you. You’ll be far more suspicious of every motive: a person handing you a pen is perceived as a way to mock your lack of a stationery item, or a friend commenting that you’ve gained a little weight is seen as jealousy of your curvaceous figure.
Though this one tip might take a little more time, misery will be entrenched into your life!
Follow these tips and happiness will evade you like… nah, let’s not draw inappropriate parallels.
Stay safe and do what’s easy: be MISERABLE and UNHAPPY, guys!